


Feelings in my Headspace Rearranged

by Elennare



Category: High Rollers DnD (Web Series)
Genre: Getting Together, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:26:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27320428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elennare/pseuds/Elennare
Summary: "Quill buries his face in his hand. He seeseverything, how did he not see he's gone and fallen in love with his best friend?" Seeing Lucius's and Fayeth's new rings brings a realisation to Quill.
Relationships: Lucius Virion-Elluin Elenasto & Fayeth, Qillek "Quill" Ad Khollar/Lucius Virion-Elluin Elenasto
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	Feelings in my Headspace Rearranged

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Fools" by Lauren Aquilina (with thanks to @dementorsatemysoup!).
> 
> This was originally inspired by a discussion in the Quillucius tumblr chat _months_ ago by now, on the trope of one person being perfectly aware that they're falling in love and the other getting blindsided by it - I realised I'd tended to write Lucius as the one suddenly realising it, and wanted to try it the other way round.

Shutting himself in his room for the night, Quill can finally give his attention to the question that’s been bothering him ever since he first saw the rings on Lucius’s and Fayeth’s fingers. His mind races, scrambling for an explanation, any explanation, other than the obvious one. Maybe rings mean something different to high elves, or to the wolfpack, or both? Surely Lucius wouldn't just get married, without telling him - them? Lucius who spoke so firmly of no more secrets between them, surely he wouldn't have hidden something like this? And yet, what other explanation can there be? 

Maybe… maybe he was afraid to tell them, afraid they'd judge him? _Maybe he'd be right to be afraid,_ a mocking voice whispers in Quill’s head. _Look at how you're reacting!_ No, that's not fair, he answers back. He's not judging! He's just surprised, he's… happy for his friend… he can't even make himself believe that, and it horrifies him. What sort of a friend is he, not to be happy? Is he subconsciously judging? Gods, is he secretly prejudiced against beastwalkers? No, no, he’s certain it’s not Fayeth being a beastwalker that’s bothering him; he’s an aarakocra, after all. He's not prejudiced against the pack - slightly terrified of them, maybe! But this isn’t judgment he's feeling… But then why isn't he happy for Lucius? 

Is he… scared? Scared that things will change between them, scared that he'll lose his friend? That feels a little closer to true, but it's still not quite right. Pacing around the room, Quill tries to come at the question from another angle, since attacking it directly isn’t getting him any answers. How would he feel if it was Sentry, say, who'd got married in secret? Actually, do Guardians marry? He starts thinking back to other Guardians he's met, then shakes his head, pulling himself back from getting distracted by that thought path. Assuming she had, how would he feel? He'd be hurt she hadn't invited him, or at least told him, yes; but he doesn't think he'd be as upset about it as he is about Lucius… Why? What's the difference?

That's when the realisation hits him, so forcefully he actually stumbles, catching himself on the corner of his desk and collapsing into his chair. No. No. No no no, it can't be… but it is… oh, _fuck._ He doesn't want to believe it, not now, not when it's pointless and worse than pointless, when it can only hurt him, but he can't deny it. All the times he's turned to make sure Lucius is okay in battle before even looking at anyone else… all the times a warm word or a smile from Lucius has made him feel like he's flying… all the times he's used those fleeting instants of premonition his magic grants him to protect Lucius… Quill buries his face in his hand. He sees _everything,_ how did he not see he's gone and fallen in love with his best friend? 

And there's nothing he can do about it. Not now. It's too late. Even if he could have found the courage to tell Lucius - and if he's honest with himself, he doubts he would have - he can't tell him now, not with that ring on his finger. No, the only thing to do now is to try to get over it, try to forget it… Quill snorts. He may have been blind, but he's not stupid, he can tell getting over it is going to be hard if not impossible. But at the very least, he can stop Lucius finding out. He can be supportive of his marriage (once Lucius tells them about it), like a best friend should be, he can keep his feelings to himself. No one need ever know.

* * *

Quill had thought he was ready to hear this, ready to bury his feelings and be at least outwardly happy for his friend. But as Lucius makes his announcement to the crew, he realizes how very wrong he's been. It's so hard, to look surprised when he's already guessed it, to look pleased when his heart is breaking… he can't watch Lucius for long, so he watches the crew instead. The wolfpack catches his eye, they don't seem surprised… did they already know? Were they there? Somehow, that makes it hurt even more, to think that Lucius trusted the pack but not him - them. 

Lucius ends his speech, and the crew gathers round to congratulate him and Fayeth. Quill thinks fast - he has to get away.

“Congratulations, Lucius,” he says, with a smile he prays will seem sincere, over Howard’s head as the halfling shakes Lucius’s hand. “I have to run and, um, check some things for Oriya, sorry.”

“Oh, do you have a minute first? I wanted a quick officer's meeting, and you don't have a messenger ringie right now,” Lucius answers.

Quill knows he should join them, but he can't, he just can't. He needs a moment alone to gather himself. “It's sort of urgent,” he lies, hoping Oriya won't hear and contradict him - she did ask him to check some landmarks today, but there's not that much of a rush. “Could Sentry update me on the meeting after?”

“Uh, sure, I suppose that works…” Lucius sounds dubious.

Quill doesn't wait to hear anything more. “Thank you, captain!” he says, saluting, and hurries below decks.

Reaching the library, he spreads out a map to give his lie some plausibility, but doesn't actually start working. Instead, he slumps down into a chair, huddles into a ball, and wraps his wing around himself. He needs to pull himself together, needs to get over this. Lucius will be so hurt if he realises Quill's not happy for him, and Quill can never explain why… And Lucius is his friend! He wants him to be happy, wants him to have someone who loves him, especially after how he lost his family… he's just… so… jealous, and he hates himself for it.

When he hears the familiar clank of Sentry's armoured feet approaching, he's not sure how long he's been sitting there, wrestling with his emotions. He can't even bring himself to uncurl and try to look as if he's been working… Should he tell Sentry the truth? Would she understand, could she help?

“Quill? Are you all right?” Sentry asks.

“I'm a terrible friend,” he answers miserably, face still covered by his wing.

“No you're not! Don't say that, why would you say that?” 

She sounds so worried that Quill hastily lowers his wing and sits up. _Well done, idiot,_ he scolds himself. _You've quarrelled with Nova, probably offended Lucius, and now you're upsetting Sentry! Why don’t you go and yell at Aila after this, just to round it out?_ It’s almost tempting, in fact - if he yells enough Aila might punch him, or at least yell back at him, and he feels like he deserves it. 

“I'm sorry,” he apologises. “I just… I want to be happy for Lucius, but I…” he can't do it, can't bring himself to say it out loud. “Never mind. What was the meeting about?”

Sentry doesn't answer, looking at him silently for so long that he starts to worry. Her eyes are still bright, she hasn’t shut down - but could this be the start of a feral episode? 

“Sentry? Are - are you all right? Can you hear me?”

“Yes, I'm fine!” Sentry says, shaking her head slightly and placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I'm sorry I scared you. I was just thinking… how to explain it, but really I think you should speak to Lucius. I can't do it justice!”

“I - are you sure?”

She nods firmly. “He'll explain things better.” Her face goes blank for a moment, but it's the familiar blankness of her using the messenger ring, not anything else. Then she adds, “He's still in the meeting room, I've asked him to wait there.”

“Oh - okay - I'll go, I guess… are - are you sure you're all right?” Quill asks, still worried.

“I'm fine,” she repeats, squeezing his shoulder. “And you're a good friend to worry! Now go.”

Quill heads obediently up to the meeting room, still puzzled by Sentry’s behaviour and not a little afraid of this first encounter with Lucius. Well, it has to happen some time, he can hardly avoid him forever… He just needs to focus on Lucius and his happiness, not on his own stupid feelings. Fixing a smile on his face, he pushes open the door to the meeting room, and Lucius looks up.

“What - oh! Quill! I was expecting Sentry. Did you get your thingie done?”

“Oh, yes, yes. I - I just want to say - congratulations, Lucius, truly. I'm very happy for you,” Quill says, desperately hoping he sounds believable.

Lucius looks at him with an oddly puzzled expression. “Thank you?” Glancing around, he grabs a piece of parchment and scribbles something, then hands it to Quill.

_Do you think we're being listened to?_ Quill reads, and looks back at Lucius, baffled. “Um, no, I don't… why?”

“Well, you don't have to keep it up… didn't Sentry explain?”

Keep what up? Oh no, has Lucius seen right through him already? “N-no, she said you'd do it better,” Quill replies, trying to hide his panic.

“Oh! Sure… This has to be a secret from the rest of the crew, and especially the wolfpack, but I’m not married married. Fayeth and I, we have a bond, but it's… an arrangement between friends, I suppose you could call it.”

“Wha-what?” Quill stammers. Whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't this! And what under the Cradle does ‘arrangement between friends' even mean?

“Well, the pack were being rather mean to Fayeth, and I don't like bullies, and I suppose this was the best idea I had to stop them… I may have been a little tipsy when I came up with it, I admit…” Lucius starts to fidget as Quill just stares at him, unable to get any words out. “All right, I was very tipsy, I don’t even remember coming up with it! That stuff Howard makes is strong!”

Quill's head is spinning as if he'd been at the moonshine himself. “You've been drinking Howard's moonshine?” is the first question he manages to get out, for some reason he can’t fathom - it’s certainly not the most important one by far.

“Yes - and I think it was meant to be a secret that he's making it? Please don't go and lecture him just because I forgot!”

“I - I knew he was making it actually, I told him to keep making it as long as it kept the crew happy… I feel that was a bad idea now! I just wanted to keep the pack happy so they wouldn't eat me.”

Lucius chuckles. “They don't actually want to eat you, they just think it's funny.”

“Right, good…” Quill shakes his head to try and clear it. It doesn’t work. “So. You - You're not married, then?”

“No. Did you really think I was? You're smarter than that, you of all people know I wouldn't have really got married,” Lucius says with a strange smile.

“Me of all people? Why?” Quill asks, bewildered.

To his surprise, Lucius looks… hurt? Angry? “You know why, Birdie, don't be mean.”

“I - s-sorry - ” Quill begins, but Lucius cuts him off.

“No, I'm sorry, I know you'd never mean to be mean. I shouldn't have snapped at you.”

Quill takes a deep breath. “Lucius. Please. Stop assuming I know things! I didn't know you wouldn't have got married, I really did think you had, and I don't know why you wouldn't have… Please, please, just tell me.”

“Come on, Quill. You know why! You know I'm in love with you,” Lucius says impatiently, as if he’s saying something completely obvious, as if he’s just reminding Quill of something that’s momentarily slipped his mind, as if it isn't the most impossible, incredible, unbelievable thing Quill's ever heard.

“You - I - you - what?” is all Quill can manage to get out, staring at Lucius with wide-eyed disbelief.

Lucius shifts uncomfortably in his chair, as Quill's evident bewilderment sinks in. “I… I thought you knew,” he says, starting to blush. “You see everything! I thought you'd seen that ages ago, and just not said anything because you - well, you don't feel the same way, and didn't want to hurt me, or make things weird… and now I've made things weird, haven't I?”

“I didn't… didn't know… I really don't see everything,” Quill says slowly, dazed. In the space of these few minutes, he's gone from despairing certainty his love is hopeless, to this dawning wild exhilaration, and it’s almost too much to grasp, too much to believe. But Lucius is there, waiting for an answer, blushing to the tips of his pointed ears now. It’s the sad resignation in his expression that gives Quill the courage to keep talking. “Until I saw that ring on your finger, I hadn't seen I'd - I’d fallen in love with you.”

Lucius has always been so, so beautiful to Quill (and oh, he really should have realised sooner, shouldn’t he?); but the smile that blossoms on his face as he takes in Quill’s words might just be the most beautiful he’s ever been. “Really? You’re not… not just saying it because I said…?”

“Really,” Quill confirms. “I’m in love -” he cuts off, with a squeak of surprise, as Lucius practically launches himself out of his chair to pull him into a tight hug. “ - with you,” he finishes, face pressed into Lucius’s chest as he returns the hug just as tightly.

“There’s just one small problem,” Quill finally points out, reluctantly pulling away. “You did just announce you’re married.”

Lucius sits down on the edge of the table and starts to laugh, a slightly horrified edge to it. “Oh, Siaska, I did, and I can’t take that back, I promised Fayeth I’d help her.”

“I’m not asking you to!” Quill hastens to reassure him. “I’m just saying it’s a good thing we’re alone right now.”

“I feel terrible to be asking you this, but I think…” Lucius trails off.

“It’ll have to be our secret?” Quill finishes for him, with a soft smile. “That’s fine. As long as you love me, as long as you know I love you, I don’t care.”

Lucius smiles back and holds out his arms to Quill. This hug is gentler than the previous one, but no less full of feeling. With Lucius leaning on the table, their heights are more even, and Lucius rests his head in the crook of Quill’s shoulder. “It won’t be forever, hopefully not even for long. If it were just me it could hurt I wouldn’t think twice, but I can’t do that to Fayeth.”

“I’d never ask you to,” Quill reassures him. “We can keep this a secret, we… umm. We’ve… not been amazing at keeping secrets, have we, as a group? And - and I think Sentry might have guessed how I feel, why else would she have sent me to you instead of explaining things herself?”

“Nova’s known for a while about me. She’s going to be unbearable if she finds out, she’s kept telling me I should tell you even if I was sure you knew,” Lucius replies, then frowns. “Are you and Nova still fighting? I wish you weren’t…”

“It - it’s not - we’ll figure it out, don’t worry about it,” Quill says, uncomfortably aware that that is a secret he needs to keep even - or especially - from Lucius. “I… I think we can manage to keep this a secret for now, maybe from our friends, and definitely from the crew. We have to try, at least… or… or… I suppose… we could… we could keep things how they’ve been between us, pretend we - we never had this conversation?” He hates saying it, hates even thinking it, but it is an option. 

Lucius’s arms tighten around him, as if to keep him where he is. “I can’t do that. I love you, I’ve been in love with you for so long, I can’t pretend this never happened.”

“I don’t think I can either,” Quill whispers back. Then, curiosity getting the better of him, he asks, “How long is so long?”

Lucius laughs under his breath. “I'm not even sure. I liked you from the moment I met you, and I've been falling more and more in love ever since.”

“Really?” Quill leans back a little so he can see Lucius's face. “Why didn't you ever say anything?”

“I was just so sure you knew,” Lucius says with a shrug. “You see secret doors by just walking past them! And you're the one who told us all there was no point keeping secrets because you'd know, remember?”

Quill laughs, embarrassed. “I did say that, didn't I? Well, you're the one who said no secrets between us and then got secretly married.”

Lucius blushes. “I did tell you all eventually! I just needed time to work out what had happened and what I was doing.”

“What had happened? You didn't know?”

“I'd had… rather a lot to drink,” Lucius admits. “Some of it's come back since, but… to tell you the truth, I thought I was actually married at first, I was a bit freaked out.”

“Oh, Lucius,” Quill says. “I'm sorry… Why were you drinking so much?”

“I think it was Aegis V,” Lucius replies quietly, a haunted look coming into his eyes. “I came so close to losing you again, and this time it would have been for good… So close to giving up myself… It scared me, and at the time I felt the alcohol helped.”

“Why didn't you tell me? You didn't have to go through that alone.”

Lucius snorts. “Oh, sure. You're the last person I would have told! I knew - I thought I knew - that you didn't feel for me as I did for you, but I still wanted you to think well of me.” He hangs his head as he finishes.

“I wouldn't have - I don't think any less of you.” Quill reaches out to tilt Lucius's chin back up, and cups his face in his hand. “I swear I don't,” he insists, seeing the doubt in his expression.

“Really? Because I thought rather less of myself,” Lucius says, lifting his own hand to cover Quill's, his touch feather-light, as if he's almost afraid to do it.

“Aegis V was… terrifying, we came so close to all of us dying there! When I messed up my spells I thought that was it for a moment… and then when you went down, all… all I could think of was, what if I hadn't had a spell left to heal you?” Quill’s feathers flatten and his wing quivers at the memory; feeling his hand tremble, Lucius presses it more firmly. “I think - I think that's why I've been writing healing scrolls, really.”

“Sounds like a better way to cope than getting blackout drunk,” Lucius replies self-deprecatingly.

“And married,” Quill teases, trying to make him laugh. 

Instead, Lucius groans. “And sort of married, yes… You really don't think less of me?”

“I already knew you could do dumb things sometimes, remember the cows?” Quill tries again.

This time it works, and Lucius giggles. “Yes, I remember saving you all from those terrible monsters!”

“Even if it was just some cows really, that's what you believed you were doing. Even blackout drunk, your instinct was to help someone… You're always looking out for others, and it's amazing.” He leans in, pressing his forehead lightly to Lucius’s, and whispers, “It's - it's one of the reasons I love you.”

“Oh, Birdie. Always my rock… That’s one of the reasons I love you,” Lucius whispers back.

They stay like that for a few moments, until Quill reluctantly pulls away. “I could stay here forever, but we should get back to work before someone comes looking for one of us.”

Lucius sighs and nods. “You’re right. I expect Oriya’s looking for you to get those things you had to check so urgently, we’re probably lucky she hasn’t burst in already!”

“Oh yes, those… They - they weren’t that urgent, I haven’t actually done them yet.” At Lucius’s puzzled look, Quill elaborates, feathers fluffing out with embarrassment. “I just needed a moment alone, I was… I was trying so hard to be happy for you, and I felt so terrible for not being…” 

“My poor Birdie, I’m sorry I put you through that,” Lucius says, hugging him again.

“Don’t be silly, how is it your fault that I was being a jealous idiot?” Quill says, half-laughing, as he returns the hug. 

“You wouldn’t have had anything to be jealous about if I hadn’t gone and got ‘married’,” Lucius points out.

“I - in a way I’m glad you did, really. It - I don’t think I would have figured out how I felt if you hadn’t,” Quill admits.

Lucius holds him tighter for a second, then lets him go. “We really have to get back to work, or we’re not going to go a day without someone discovering us!”

Much as he wants to just stay here with Lucius, Quill can’t help but agree with that, so he leaves and heads back down to the library for the second time that day. But what a difference that all-too-brief interval between the two times has made! Both times, Quill has been doing his utmost to appear calm and composed, as if nothing out of the ordinary is going on. But last time, he was being dragged down by jealousy and sadness, and now… Now he feels like he's flying. 


End file.
